Archive | April 2016

Abusive Relationship That You Hide SO Well

images (22)Emotionally abused. Physically abused. Financially abused. Being abused is what you’ve become accustomed to. You think to yourself “How did I let this go on so long? How did I allow this to happen to me? Why haven’t I spoken to anyone about what I’m going through? How did I even get here?” Your abusive relationship is slowly killing you on the inside. You’re at your breaking point. It’s time for you to think about YOU for a change because you deserve way better than what you’ve been putting up with. You don’t deserve this! You DO count. You ARE important. You DO mean a lot to your loved ones. They care for you. Trust me, they do. You don’t have to put up with this abuse anymore. Reach out for help and don’t feel ashamed to do so.

Genuine love isn’t supposed to be emotionally draining. Name calling isn’t okay. Stop making excuses for it. Making you feel less-than is abuse. There’s no other way around that. You will be okay without him! He just makes you feel like you won’t. Think about what you were like before him. You had confidence! You felt great about yourself! You were outgoing and full of life! But look at you now. He’s broken you down little by little, just where he wants you to be. But enough is enough! You’ve got to get out of this mess. This is NOT your best life. This is no life at all.

He grabs on you, pushes and shoves you, holds you down on the bed and/or floor, punches you at times, just having his way with you when he wants to. He likes to toy around with you. Sweet and kind one minute, and then he’s right back at his evil ways. He demeans you as if you’re not worth anything. Your emotions are like a roller coaster. He has you up one minute, twisted the next minute, and then here comes the drop. He treats you like he owns you. As if you are a piece of property. Telling you what to do and controlling your every move. He’s NOT a nice person, so stop making excuses for him. You know what he’s like and you can’t change him. Don’t fool yourself!

He’s in control of the finances. He uses money against you. You have to ask him for everything. What he says goes. You don’t have any say so in the matter. You have money, but it’s like you don’t because he rules, and that’s that.

He’s taken your life away from you. You’re just being controlled. You choose to stay because you don’t want to feel ashamed and/or embarrassed of what others will say or think. You’ve been putting up with this hell for quite some time now. Pretending like you’re a happy couple. You’re a pro when it comes to putting on your happy face, wearing YOUR mask so flawlessly. You’ve put up a great front because nobody knows the hell that you’re going through but you and him. You have everybody fooled into thinking that you have a great relationship, but if they only knew that you’re just about to lose it. You’re holding on to a very thin string. You want out, but you don’t know how. You’re scared, confused, and nervous. And in a strange kind of way, you want to stay. You know the true him, but you make excuses for him and are torn as to what to do.

Instead of me TELLING you what to do, I’ll leave you with these inspirational quotes that I personally created from me to you. Hopefully these positive quotes will give you the strength and courage that you need to leave your unfortunate and unhealthy relationship. Be brave!

Inspirational & Motivational Quotes

“Encourage yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself. Never doubt who you are.”

“Crying is NOT a weakness. Cry as much as you have to. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to let your tears flow. Crying is a natural part of life. We all have feelings and sometimes crying is all that we can do. Crying can help relieve the pain, hurt, disappointments, and all of the other things that life can throw our way. Know that it’s okay and know that you’re going to be okay as well. Wishing You: Peace of mind, Comfort, Happiness, Joy within and LOVE.”

“Say it out loud: I AM beautiful. I AM worthy. I AM somebody. I DO deserve to be loved. I DO deserve to be respected. I DO deserve happiness. I will no longer accept less-than what I know I deserve. I don’t deserve that. And I won’t accept it anymore. I know my self-worth! I deserve the very best!”

“Though I may feel weak right now, I know the strength that lives deep down inside of me. I will believe! I will have hope! And although my faith may be a little bit weary right now, I know I’ll make it through this. When I feel like I’m just about to give up, I somehow soar to the top. That’s because I’m a winner! It’s always a good idea to remind yourself of who YOU are. That’s perfectly okay!”

“Respect, Love, and Value yourself. Always remember to be good to yourself by taking care of yourself. Make yourself a priority and know that it’s okay. Don’t feel guilty for loving yourself, first! You’re just as important as anybody else. Remember that!”

“Tomorrow has not invited you yet, so LIVE for today! Tomorrow is near, yet so far away. Choose this day to smile, laugh, love unconditionally, and be happy within.”

“You are valuable! You are beautifully blessed just how you’re supposed to be. No matter what anybody else has told you, YOU rock!”

“Hello beautiful! Yes, YOU. Please realize just how special that you are. There’s no need for you to compare yourself to the next. You are unique, rare, and incomparable. You’re simply beautiful inside and out!”

“Self-worth. Self-love. Self-Esteem. Self-Motivation. Self-confidence. All of these things equal SELF-EMPOWERMENT. Always believe in yourself, even if nobody else does!”

“Dare to be bold and brave. Dare to believe that you can. Dare to live out your dreams. Dare to get out of your comfort zone. Dare to make positive changes in your life. Dare to live life without all of the extra drama and/or baggage. Dare to live your life fearlessly. Dare to TRULY live for once in your life!”

Stephanie Lahart is an Author who believes in writing without limits. Although her writing styles is raw & real, she writes to impact, empower, educate, and change lives.

 

Why Doesn’t the Victim Leave His/Her Abuser

images (21)In my last post, I didn’t address the often asked question, “Why doesn’t she leave just leave him?”

People usually ask it in the context of a wife not leaving her abusive husband, but it happens just as often the other way around. Or it could be a person not cutting off ties with an abusive family or a family that serves as a proxy for a narcissist within it. Whatever – why doesn’t the target of the abuse leave?

Every abused person asks themselves the same question! Truth is stranger than fiction, but here is the controlling fact of the matter: That’s what “normal” people do when subjected to abuse, but the abused partner or family target IS THE NORMAL one. Only they have been so abused and so manipulated they feel powerless to change the situation.

Truth be told, people who say “Why doesn’t she leave him?” wouldn’t leave themselves if they were in her shoes.

People do vary in how much abuse it takes to get them to leave. That is, some will leave sooner than others. But they all take far more abuse than anyone would think a human being could. Why? It’s counter intuitive.

Clinging to your abuser is an ancient art. It’s the art of the Inquisitor and the torturer. A black art that works like magic. The Inquisition and the KGB had this down to an art form.

The crucial point is that this is what NORMAL people do. The abuser creates an upside-down world in which all normal human reactions work backwards.

How long? how much abuse does it take to make you face facts and see that he or she is just evil – this person you love with all your heart… is evil. An unthinkable thought, no? Even knowing that he returns your love about as much as a snake would return your love, you still think he’ll change. Has he just been playing you for a fool? Another unthinkable thought. Denial.

Yet in the cases I know about, the victim always does eventually face facts and leave, only to return time and again. They didn’t enter into the relationship “seeking” abuse, and people who say this are just ignorant or narcissistic themselves. Volunteering or willfully agreeing to be abused is contrary to the laws of nature. It makes my blood boil every time I hear someone say this about an abused person.

The victim hates the abuse and tries to avoid it. The problem is that narcissists are deliberately impossible people, so the only way to avoid narcissistic abuse is to avoid the narcissist himself. Even though the abused partner or family victim wants to get away, it takes more than just the want to, it takes knowledge and skills to finally make a clean break. Depending on the amount of control the abuser has, the victim may believe that you providing them information is some sort of test engineered by their abuser, so they don’t accept or worse, they volunteer the information to the abuser. This leads to more abuse and more isolation.

Look at the situation you’re in now. Love is an attraction. You love this person with all your heart – an irresistible attraction to him. But he responds to your love with a barrage of abusive tactics, and you develop an irresistible repulsion from him, that you try desperately to hide, but he senses it and resents you for it, subjecting you to even more abuse.

Here she is on her knees before her abuser, clinging to him for dear life in the na├»ve belief that she can exorcise the demon inside him. The more violently he rejects her, the tighter she clings. Something’s gotta give.

I have asked “Why doesn’t he leave her?” about my son. I understood all that was going on very well, and after doing much research had her pegged as a narcopath, but still I asked the question. It seemed to me that he was being exceedingly dense. But he wasn’t really. The abusive tactics used against all innocent partners is devastating and how someone reacts to it is personal and person. We are wrong to say what we would do if that was us, simply because it will never be us. You may be the victim of an abusive partner or family member, but the dynamics will never be same in every situation.

However, no abused partner or target should ever be made to feel guilty for the abuse itself, despite being told this by their abuser. For her to share in the guilt for abuse, she would have to be a CAUSE of it, and just being with an abuser isn’t a cause of the abuse. If you believe that it is, then am I to assume you blame a murdered bank teller for her death simply because she took a job at the bank that was then robbed?

All victims do suffer the guilt and shame for believing the lies, not seeing the manipulation, for failing to be honest with themselves, not knowing the truth, and for putting up with abuse far too long. But, this is guilt that is manufactured by the abuse endured. It’s these very “guilt trips” that keep many abused people in abusive relationships. Sooner or later the victim realizes that she is slowly becoming just as cold and unfeeling as her abuser, and that the abuse will really drive her out of her mind if she doesn’t come out of denial and face facts.

It’s absurd to view her feelings of regret and remorse as somehow partly JUSTIFYING what the abuser did. Just being with someone doesn’t justify being abused. Loving someone doesn’t make you guilty of ALLOWING your abuser to kick you around. Being vulnerable and empathic doesn’t give your abuser the right to eviscerate you. The target’s failure to leave doesn’t take one bit of the guilt and blame away from the abuser. This is what the abuser wants us all to think. I have never seen a victim of a narcopath intentionally provoke their abuser. In fact, it’s the other way around. The abuser always provokes their target into conflict, then turns around and lays the blame at her feet. Whenever I find myself asking myself “Why doesn’t he leave her?” I withhold judgment. I do this on the basis of the concept of competence to judge. It’s a judicial concept that holds true in personal judgement. I am just not competent to judge anyone for staying in an abusive relationship. I will never fully appreciate the depth and magnitude experienced by him/her throughout the relationship. We only know enough when we, too, have been in his/her shoes, and even then we are not competent either. The abuse is 100% the abuser’s sin. He is 100% guilty of it and deserves 100% of the blame.

 

Domestic Violence Has More Victims Than You Realize

images (20)You may be familiar with the archaic adage that “a man’s home is his castle.” It is often invoked against invasions of privacy or as justification for defense of property. While an individual’s autonomy and right to peaceful possession of property are not inherently bad things, this notion of inviolability (especially couched in such overtly patriarchal terms) has been invoked to insidious ends. To this day, many societies permit the cloak of sanctuary to cover up domestic violence, refusing to intercede on “personal” affairs. Increasingly, however, there is an understanding that what goes on behind closed doors can and should be the subject of social regulation. The moral ills of domestic violence are self-evident; it is wrong to harm a spouse or child. Fewer people understand the broader social costs that stem from abuse.

In 2003, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) conducted a comprehensive study to determine the cost of intimate partner violence (IPV) against women. The study concluded that the annual costs were $8.3 billion dollars in healthcare alone. The bulk of this number comes from $6.2 billion in treatment for victims of physical violence and an additional $1.3 billion for the value of lost lives. And the CDC stresses that this study almost certainly represents a gross underestimation of the true costs. For one thing, the study only accounts for the costs to women. Women are by far the most affected group, with nearly one in three having experienced physical or sexual violence or stalking. Men are not immune, however, with 14% reporting being physically abused by a partner. Further, chronic under-reporting depresses the numbers. It is all too common for victims to come up with an excuse for their injuries to protect their partner.

The CDC study is also temporally limited in that it only considers the costs in a given year. Even if the violence ceases, the long-term effects can still be a burden on the healthcare system. Increased annual healthcare costs persist for as long as 15 years after the abuse stops. Further, the long-term health costs extend beyond the immediate injuries. The risk of heart disease increases 70%; asthma increases 60%, and incidents of stroke are 80% more likely for those who experience domestic violence.

As if that weren’t enough, there are costs associated with domestic violence that extend beyond medical expenses. Victims of abuse lose an estimated 8 million days of employment, which is the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs. On top of that, the psychological effects are virtually impossible to quantify but are very real. There’s also significant data to suggest that victims are more likely to become perpetrators themselves, creating a vicious cycle of abuse that impacts everyone.

The privacy of the home should be respected but not at the expense of all of society, and certainly not at the cost of an individual’s suffering. We are all responsible for putting a stop to abuse.

 

Practicing Extreme Self Care After Narcissistic Abuse

images (19)During a toxic relationship or relationship with a Narcissist we typically become so addicted to keeping them happy that we forget about taking care of ourselves. We put them first on our priority list and make sure that we are catering to their every need. Only to realize that what we do will never be acknowledged, appreciated or enough for a Narcissist. We make ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally sick by not putting our own happiness first. And this is one of the hardest lessons we learn after a break up with a Narcissist. After we leave them or they discard us for new supply, we are left with only ourselves to look at. But we have been so used to taking care of their needs that we don’t know how to care for ourselves anymore. So where can we start?

The first thing you can do is become brutally honest with yourself and come to accept that you have placed yourself on the back burner for way too long. To understand that your happiness and self care should always be your priority. Even to be a good parent and to meet your children’s needs, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You must begin to make extreme Self care a daily habit. Your health and well being are important. Without it your quality of life is greatly diminished. Some things that have helped me to begin Self care is to take a few minutes every day for myself. In those few minutes I make sure I am doing something towards my own Healing and recovery.

Things such as reading a book on Narcissistic Abuse, writing, taking a warm bath, going for a walk, listening to podcasts or YouTube videos on Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, Art Therapy, listening to music, spending time in nature, watching a funny movie, talking to a friend, painting my nails, drinking a nice cup of coffee, anything that brings you joy and comfort is self care. You can add your own unique things to this list. Taking the time to care for yourself will be a huge step forward in your own Healing. We must learn to make ourselves a priority again. Because ultimately the most important relationship you will have, is the relationship you have with yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect. So begin by treating yourself with respect first.

Sending Light, Love and peace your way.