Archive | January 2016

5 Powerful Secrets To Avoid Domestic Violence In Marriage – Divorce Is Not An Option

images (13)It’s a weekend and you have just woken up to the sound of your partner.

Oh no! Not again.

You have warned severally that you just don’t like things being done in that manner.

Why can’t this simple rule be followed? You think.

Then you have this urge to jump at your partner and make him/her listen to you.

Do not do this!

Calm yourself and take a deep breath before you act.

Do you know that marriage is the only institution where you are offered a certificate before you get into it?

This might not be surprising.

But you gather the needed experience to make your marriage thrive as you go on and as the saying goes “Experience is the best teacher”.

The only challenge is that two people with different backgrounds have decided to come together and live with one another.

What this means is that you must learn to change your ways and to also accept the new ways of your partner.

The human behavior is designed under “normal” circumstances to tolerate and accept others as they are.

Sometimes, we might find it difficult to understand why our partners behave in a manner that seems “annoying” to us.

These perceived series of behaviors has led to the breakdown of the marriage institution and sometimes degenerates to the point of willingly engaging in abusive behavior as a means of exerting power and control against your partner.

Domestic violence does not stop at beating or hitting alone.

It includes sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse.

WHO has reported that 1 in every 3 women experience some form of domestic violence globally.

Here are a couple of facts to consider in order to avoid domestic violence.

1. RESPECT

Men are often in the forefront of the affairs of the home. However, circumstances might leave the woman in charge.

While in charge (either physically or financially), both partners must respect the role of the other.

The moment one person begins to think that the other is not pulling his or her weighs in the marriage, then disrespect sets in and there is a breakdown.

Next you find confrontations and then possibility of violence.

This leads us to the next stage.

2. COMMUNICATION

When two people live together, there is a strong need to communicate effectively.

Never get trapped in the assumption game.

Let us consider this scenario.

The wife had a meeting and forgot to inform the husband that she would return home later than usual.

The husband then assumes that she has gone elsewhere from work without informing him.

He sits and waits for her call or return.

Finally she is back and an argument ensues.

This then repeats itself again some months later.

The husband files the incident away but brings it up later and uses that fact to point accusations at his wife.

He feels she is being carefree and she feels she has been working hard at work and he won’t give her some breathing space.

A simple message across to your partner and keeping them up to date with what is going on goes a long way to strengthen marriage.

This can however, also be achieved if there is trust.

3. TRUST

When you make the decision to spend the rest of your life with your partner, you are making a big commitment.

One major challenge is to learn to trust your partner.

At the beginning, it might be difficult but over time you will learn to understand and trust your partner.

Without trust then every mistake or error made by your partner, would sow a tiny seed of doubt on a daily basis and if not checked could grow to become a very big grudge that can lead to violence.

Trust issues are usually common among jealous partners too.

Jealousy might seem like a display of affection for your partner, but it is at the same time an unhealthy habit and can lead to irrational behavior and possessiveness with a feeling that you own your partner.

If you get to know and understand your partner, then you should be able to trust them easily.

4. SELF DISCIPLINE AND CONTROL

We all come from different backgrounds and should therefore learn to understand each other.

Understanding means self-discipline and tolerating your partners’ behavior.

Not when it involves violence though!

With self-discipline comes self-control.

This is one habit that you must learn if you wish to have a successful marriage.

There will be moments when things will threaten to get out of hand but due to your self-control, you will be able to manage the situation and settle amicably.

Lack of self-control has over time led to display of anger and this can degenerate into violence.

A publication in the American Journal of Public Health also reported frequent quarrels as a predisposing factor for domestic violence

If you feel you cannot control your emotions (such as anger, rage or jealousy) then you should seek professional help.

This is important before it causes a breakdown in your marriage.

Sometimes, pressure can come from your work our family; you should learn not to carry it out on your partner.

5. LIVE APART TEMPORARILY

Conflict between spouses can escalate and lead to a buildup of negative energy.

When this happens, there is need to let out this negative energy but avoid leashing out on your partner.

If you cannot control yourself, then the best option is to move away for some time as a means of therapy to help you get back in a balanced frame of mind.

When you are angry at someone, you usually want to vent your anger on them immediately but if you stay away for some time then the anger will melt away gradually.

After some time you can get back together and talk it out.

Domestic violence is an ugly occurrence that commences and grows over time.

Usually, the victim or partner who is being abused tries to cope with the situation and attempts to keep it away from family and friends.

This is mostly due to the fact that they are afraid of being separated from their abusive partners.

As the problem lies with abusive partner, you find that despite the abuse you still love and care about your partner and wish they would just change.

Working on it at the early stage is key.

Voice out, communicate and seek for help early, so that you can restore you love life and avoid divorce.

 

A Few Signs of Domestic Violence You Cannot Ignore

images (12)A few signs of domestic violence that cannot be ignored are criticism by one’s significant other in front of family and friends, periods of silence by one’s significant other and when he/she labels a room(s) in the house as off-limits.

You know, most of the time when we hear that someone we know was charged with a serious crime, we would either say, “I didn’t see any signs that he/she would have done this or that or, yes, I’m not surprised because I saw the signs in him/her.” Yes, consciously or unconsciously we are always looking for signs and usually, they are there for us to see and when it comes to domestic violence, there is no difference.

Domestic violence which is also referred to as domestic abuse, battering and family violence has touched many of us and DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in one of its pamphlet, defines it as a pattern of coercive behaviours, used by a batterer to gain or maintain power and control over another person with whom the batterer is in an intimate dating or family relationship.

Criticism in front of Loved Ones

The batterer’s main aim is to dominate its victim and to get this done, he/she will speak unkindly to family members and friends about their victim. They will do so under the guise of love for their victim and the desire for him/her to do better. For example, he/she may say, “he/she is such an air-head when it comes to finances but I am trying to teach him/her how to handle it.” Thereby helping to set the foundation for the batterer to completely control all the monies that pass between the two of them.

The batterer will say many more things that can help to cause division between family and friends and the person he/she is in a relationship with, so as to isolate his/her victim. While at the same time he/she is working to make him/herself look like the “good,” sensible and loving one.

Periods of Silence

Another sign that cannot be ignored is when he/she stops talking with their victim for days and sometimes even weeks even though they see each other every day. Sometimes a reason, logical or not, is given but sometimes a reason is not given for this action.

Nevertheless, this is usually done with the intention of punishing the other person. Some victims cope well during this “silent treatment” and in fact, they look forward to it because this is the only time they do not have to hear their torturer’s abusive words. On the other hand, some victims do not respond well to this because they are worried about what other torture he/she is planning during this time.

Off Limit Rooms

Today, we hear a lot about “man caves” and this should give us a moment of pausing and thinking and most of the time we do not because “man cave” is usually said in jesting and both parties in the relationship are usually in agreement with the arrangement. However if the abuser says that a room or rooms in the house is off-limits, this is another sign that should not be ignored. This is another tactic in domination. He/she is the king/queen and the victim is the subject. The subject is told when he/she can enter the room and this is usually when the batterer wants something that only the victim can provide.

If there are other family members in the house, the room(s) is also used to cause division within the home. The batterer will allow certain family members to enter the room as a special privilege while others are not allowed to do so.

Criticism in front of loved ones, periods of silence and off-limit rooms are signs of domestic violence that cannot be ignored because of the escalation in abuse that usually follows.

 

5 Effects of Domestic Violence on a Child’s Development

download (20)When we talk about the effects of domestic violence on children’s growth and development, we are considering the effects of violence on children living in a place where spousal abuse is happening. Most of the children who are brought up in such an environment, often experience bad and suppressed childhood, which leads to negative effects on their personal growth and development. For some children who are suffering from domestic violence, their journey from childhood to adulthood is completed overnight as they don’t have to learn things that are supposed to be learned when they grow up. They quickly learn how to survive and some of them even started earning for their survival. Parents need to learn that domestic violence has dreadful consequences on children as it can ruin your child’s future and personal growth as well.

There are 5 effects of domestic violence on the child’s development:

1. Child become introvert

Children are just like flowers, they need care and love. Children suffering from domestic violence often becomes silent and feel hesitant to speak or even go out of their house. They put themselves into the darkness of isolation and becomes introvert to express themselves. Their fear won’t let them speak or express their emotions to their family members or friends. It is because, they have been asked to not utter a word about the situation at the home and their relationship between family members.

2. Child become aggressive

As mentioned in the above point, they are unable to express themselves in front of others or unable to share their pain with others, which leads to built-up aggression in them. When the saturation point comes (when they are unable to handle their anger) in their life, they become aggressive and with time their aggression gets even more worse, which may result in killing someone they dislike.

3. Child become responsible in the early age

At the early age, when “learning to walk” is the first step for them, they start learning how to kill their desires and how to survive in the violent environment. Before they see the beauty of the world and what life is all about, they become responsible in terms of earning for their survival. Some children get into the job of cooking, cleaning or even catering food items to the consumers in order to earn money.

4. Child become unsocial

Due to domestic violence, most of the children suffer from low-esteem and have low self-confidence to go out and face the world. They don’t feel like meeting and making friends, which makes them cut off from the world and become unsocial.

5. Child become edgy and nervous

It is not important that all children become aggressive as in most of the cases, children who suffer badly from different forms of violence eventually become nervous while talking to others, or even performing any task.

Conclusion

Domestic violence is something that we should always raise our voice against. For children, it is like slow poison that ends their life slowly from the time they become a victim of your violence. The aforementioned effects of childhood violence gives you an idea about how domestic violence can ruin your child’s future.

Pastor, You Probably Have A Congregant That’s In Real Crisis! Want To Help Them?

download (19)When in crisis or extreme need, people will turn to you, their Pastor or Minister because you are familiar or safe for them. You married their children, performed their baptisms, given them communion, and buried their dead. It would stand to reason, a victim of Incest would feel that their Pastor or Minister is a safe place to talk. Spiritual Leaders are held in high esteem since they serve, advise, and guide their congregants through traumatic and sensitive incidents.

Helping your congregants deal with Incest and Sexual Assault can be difficult; DON’T FALL SHORT!

Incest is a very TABOO subject. Due to the repulsive, offensive nature of Incest, people don’t or won’t discuss it; or the issue is ignored, as though it didn’t happen. Speaking about incest makes most people very uncomfortable. This is due to the reality of family members (usually girls) being abused by their own flesh and blood, who are supposed to love and protect them.

GUESTIMATION: Statistically speaking – 1 in 6-8 females in your congregation have been, or is currently being molested or sexually assaulted.

Incest is a National problem. Almost a third of America’s population has experienced some form of sexual abuse. With initial contact occurring before children have reached puberty during their formative years (ages 5 to 12):

  • which affects their emotional stability,
  • their identity,
  • their beliefs, and
  • social skills,

This population of America needs help to become whole. During the formative years, you as their Spiritual Leader can make an impact. Some of the abused population may attend churches, while the abuse is occurring. Church and Fellowship provides temporary relief from their situation at home.

Unfortunately, in order to protect their families, NOT to expose their shame, to try to MASK carrying the stigma of the incident, and to protect any future they may have, MANY women, men, teenage, boys and girls will not speak about what happened to them. Some will not speak, out of fear of being punished, or being blamed for the incident. Unless this is an immediate issue, your congregants may not voluntarily come forward. Instead they will display disruptive behavior, become withdrawn, and may not be able to explain why; but this is their cry for help.

Truly learning how to minister to these specific congregants takes time, patience and strength to understand the family dynamics, and how it affects the family in addition to the person that’s been victimized. Further, it’s also very, very important to realize when professional intervention is needed for everyone concerned. Yet There Is Hope!

Imagine helping a Congregant heal or make a positive change. You’re mending a family, building a future leader, a victorious testimony, and a means to Growing Your Church.